1.5 week might be long, might not be, but this is the only time I have before next year. Maybe it's all arbitrary. People says now is the time. It's correct. That's why I managed to ask for that period of leave. Else I wouldn't be able to.
Friday, December 18, 2020
Overwhelming pending little things
So, I'll be taking like 1.5 week leave starting this 23rd. I am planning to sort things out, life, home, family and giving thought about how to make life less miserable going forward. Lately I've been really struggling to be as productive, it's as if I've lost the fire I had when I started working again last year. I want to know how to deal with this issue. I want to know how to properly reset when these things came at me, and how to manage overwhelming things at once. I want to be less miserable.
Sunday, November 1, 2020
Hotel of the dead
It's been awhile.
[Contain spoiler for Hotel Del Luna]
So, I just finished this Korean drama, called Hotel Del Luna. I didn't binge watched it even though I did have time to finish it in a day (following someone advice). But that isn't what I want to talk about. I want to talk a bit about this drama and why it matters at the moment. This drama is probably the first k-drama I ever watched maybe in my life, if not in decades (because I don't remember watching any asian drama except japanese or chinese dramas).
I really like it. I didn't feel disappointed with the ending, or didn't feel empty even (because i know very much what feeling empty is like, so this is not). It makes me feel better, or relieved. The feeling when you had to let go, the memories, everything, in a good way. This is what the guest hotel of the dead is all about. A hotel that provide comfort for the dead, of their remorse, regret, pain of the worldly matter. Isn't that nice.
This drama hits me home in several places. Story about death, about remorse, letting go. I've been struggling with this invisible monster, a little help from a fiction does me wonder, if life is nothing but a fiction, of someone else novel. Is it the story of letting go, maybe the romance, yet it makes me want to want more of this life. Like to love someone again. To hope, to feel. I do not know. Whatever you're, god or author of my story, if anyone is listening. Or maybe you do.
Thank you for making the drama. Looking forward to myself.
Tuesday, June 16, 2020
A letter from me
Couldn't remember whom this one is written for. Hope you're okay there.
What you're going through mirrors something similar to what happened to me until recently. One of the most terrible ones was waking up from sleep to the thoughts about many ways to end myself, and from there i decided that nothing else can be worse than this. Nothing else can be worse than depression. And this thing keep going for awhile. Back many years ago, I wouldn't be able to tell, what these voids, nullity, emptiness were. Then there's this anxiety about some impending feeling that are about to occur if stayed this way. So I decided to quit my last job at the end of November 2017, and find a way to remedy these voids. It has been a while (almost 2 years), I did something else, moved to a new place, and I still couldn't figure how to deal with these dark, emptiness, and hopelessness.
I told myself, there's no way I can live up through next decades, as if there's nothing much interesting there. So, I keep on exploring ways to understand what this beast called depression really is. I expressed it openly now as if there's a beast within you wants to be known, so I implore it, what it wants the most. I talked to it as if I am talking to something that has been long part of me. I keep talking to it, I allow it to be valid, and now I am making terms and peace with it as if I am making peace with myself.
The first thing I figured out was attachments. The most comforting feeling I ever feel when I was depressed, was the feeling of safety, the feeling of belonging to somewhere. And with depression and terrible loneliness it is the thoughts about being in a place you don't really feel like you belong to. Like there's a saying that you can be surrounded by many people, yet still feel so alone. So, I detach myself from the attachments that make me feel so alone, and conditions that come along with it. One of these attachments was my relationship with my old friends by which mostly have moved on with life, got married, have children etc. I didn't severe the relationship, but reconsider the conditions that I had toward such relationship. I quit one of our whatsapp group, and even a simple act like that helped me a lot. I feel, relieved from something that has been holding be hostage for long. And I keep telling myself, in order to move on, these are the rules and terms that I need to abide, that I am no longer attached to such attachments that have been conditioning me for long. I opened a bit about it to my mother back a month or so ago, and I feel like some attachments are necessary and some just needed a reconsideration.
I do not know what your attachments are, maybe it's in the relationship, maybe in things, or maybe it is something of the past. I don't want to be cheesy, but I feel what you're going through, about the inability to do something about it. I just want you to know that you're not alone. :)
- Written at Friday, June 21, 2019
What you're going through mirrors something similar to what happened to me until recently. One of the most terrible ones was waking up from sleep to the thoughts about many ways to end myself, and from there i decided that nothing else can be worse than this. Nothing else can be worse than depression. And this thing keep going for awhile. Back many years ago, I wouldn't be able to tell, what these voids, nullity, emptiness were. Then there's this anxiety about some impending feeling that are about to occur if stayed this way. So I decided to quit my last job at the end of November 2017, and find a way to remedy these voids. It has been a while (almost 2 years), I did something else, moved to a new place, and I still couldn't figure how to deal with these dark, emptiness, and hopelessness.
I told myself, there's no way I can live up through next decades, as if there's nothing much interesting there. So, I keep on exploring ways to understand what this beast called depression really is. I expressed it openly now as if there's a beast within you wants to be known, so I implore it, what it wants the most. I talked to it as if I am talking to something that has been long part of me. I keep talking to it, I allow it to be valid, and now I am making terms and peace with it as if I am making peace with myself.
The first thing I figured out was attachments. The most comforting feeling I ever feel when I was depressed, was the feeling of safety, the feeling of belonging to somewhere. And with depression and terrible loneliness it is the thoughts about being in a place you don't really feel like you belong to. Like there's a saying that you can be surrounded by many people, yet still feel so alone. So, I detach myself from the attachments that make me feel so alone, and conditions that come along with it. One of these attachments was my relationship with my old friends by which mostly have moved on with life, got married, have children etc. I didn't severe the relationship, but reconsider the conditions that I had toward such relationship. I quit one of our whatsapp group, and even a simple act like that helped me a lot. I feel, relieved from something that has been holding be hostage for long. And I keep telling myself, in order to move on, these are the rules and terms that I need to abide, that I am no longer attached to such attachments that have been conditioning me for long. I opened a bit about it to my mother back a month or so ago, and I feel like some attachments are necessary and some just needed a reconsideration.
I do not know what your attachments are, maybe it's in the relationship, maybe in things, or maybe it is something of the past. I don't want to be cheesy, but I feel what you're going through, about the inability to do something about it. I just want you to know that you're not alone. :)
- Written at Friday, June 21, 2019
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)