Rooting for

I've had an interesting memories during my last half of this year, more than I do since the day I quit. I remember them being something that I root for, something that I look forward to, things I wake up through the week for. It wasn't the chores of work that I did. I definitely remember doing something, like trying to make game, but it wasn't as interesting as having something you can grasp about in certainty.

I guess the point is to constantly have something to root for. Like inspiring people, singer, streamer, love, waiting for a movie, a new patch. I guess, the past years were boring to me. I live, but I didn't really live, for anything. Though I am glad that i've made a certain fortune.

There's has been good words that've helped me, like a simple word of 'taking care of yourself'. I am glad that I was there to hear it.

The Empowering Lies

Lies, empower me late these days. And I am getting the idea about how good it is.

When my parents or relatives asked me whether or not I have a girlfriend/candidate, and i would've just node or say yes. When my mom tell me not to forget the prayer, i would've just smiled. When my friends or parents ask me of my life status, what am i doing right now, I'll just tell them that I am doing good, I making game right now, or working on a project.

The truth doesn't matter, if we're all content with the answer.

New Place

So I just moved in to a new place. Everything went well I, except a few things. What I can say for sure is, it all went over the budget, and didn't expect that by lot. I guess it's a new experience. I've received a gas cylinder but it is a broken one.  Not sure i'll be able to replace it or not tomorrow.

I got myself worried over such thing, and that certain things don't go that well.

If everything is perfect, then it'll be boring - Rae. These words help so much.

My previous life was perfect by certain definition, that's why it's damn boring maybe. But no cooking for today i guess.

Words

Words can either leave scars or marks in a person, for a very long time. For a scar, it could become the abyss they're going to stare at for the rest of their lives, especially in the mind of a depressed person, who could spend much of their time in solitude, lingering in the thoughts that only meant to continuously hurt them. These words never heal, unless the person managed to make term with themselves, which rarely last. Avoid bringing up things that could make the person regret, even if you think the advice sounds, hell, don't even give advice unless asked. Most of the time it doesn't help, in fact it could come with a load of assumptions that would bring misunderstanding about the person even further, their past, the choices they made.

When i quit my job, I didn't regret anything at all, it's just something that had to be done. I do not regret for not having any plan at all. I had to.

A mark on the other hand, could become the peace they could linger in during their recovery. A word that remind them of about the good person they're regardless of their past. A word that gives them a sense of hope regardless of the choice they made in the past. It could be a word that reminds them to take care of themselves, a word that reminds them of how important they are to themselves.

Inside the mind of a depressed person, are things that never heal, but never die either. Sometimes, they're just.. words.

Reverse Poisoning Thought

I feel like my days are often filled with negative thoughts, about what people says, expect, and about what they want you to be. Other than that, i am just tired, weak, and i sleep so much for a day that I don't feel like living at all. I keep poisoning myself with things like 'he died', 'i am tired', 'i feel so useless', 'i feel nothing', 'i couldn't do much', over and over again. I tend to linger on those thoughts, and see no way to escape the stare of such abyss.

But sometimes it's just funny, that a simple twist like saying or thinking the opposite of those thoughts, my mood actually changed. I am happy, strong, I am living, I do not have regret, I am winning. I feel like I am discovering the secret to overcoming those demons, no matter how terrible their energy is.

Because eventually it'll all be over. I can only be happy and feel no regret. I'll just have to think the opposite, that's all. ;)

Insecurities within securities

Have you ever feel dreading, about certain inevitable event near the future that's going to happen to you, but you couldn't tell so, feel so or really have any urgency to deal with it. And somehow you managed to live through it, till next days, and the next days, next week, and the next month.. Yet these insecurities, the feeling about not being able to do something about it is bothering you, the blues, the lacking of motivation to deal with the increasing emergence. And you said to yourself you're just going to live through it anyway, and you lived, you always did.

I think it's probably the safety nets that we have bought for ourselves all these years, the financial securities, the future proof insurances, the places we can always fall back to, a defense mechanism that delay the feeling that you've been dreaded to feel. Sometimes you wish for less, and more adventurous life.

I don't know, but I think I am going to find out more about it. Maybe I'll die, maybe I'll live. I've only a life anyway.

The Urgency

I think i might've figured out why. I am well understood, and know about how limited time is, but it was just knowing because I truly haven't had the sense of urgency. Like when I quit my job 10 months ago, I know I simply had to do it, but there's no plan whatsoever. That sense of urgency, ended just right there. Because I have the saving and security (free place to live) that could last me for much longer, with freedom of doing anything or whatever you may call it.

But I don't think it works really well. This facade is only keeping me away from the reality I really need to face, and being stagnant in a security that grants the illusion of freedom only delay the inevitable, and that i have only less than a year to make the term with myself.

I realize that it is the urgency that lacking. Next month i am going move on to a new place, renting an apartment, alone. Something I haven't at once seeing myself doing, in life (there's of course 8 years ago, but wasn't alone). This decision is going to exhaust all the things I've saved for a year at least. That will be the case if I don't figure out how to keep the pace going, like making the current project working, finding a new job, or anything that gives the urgency. Even renting a new place, living all alone is enough to give you that sense. I am living for someone's word that says, you haven't really lived, until you've lived out there all alone.

Well, I've only a life. Eventually it'll be over, right.

Living up to expectation

I want to remind myself, that probably the only thing that made me resign my last job was, that I could no longer deliver, or live up to whatever expectation they needed. I could not find the feeling to be happy for things that i work for.

I was struggling to meet the expectation, from the person that have them the most, myself. Maybe it's fine to lose. But I am just afraid. That it'll be all over again.

I'll just have to keep reminding myself, that it's gonna be alright.

All blues

I don't know how am I doing now though. I scored top 10 for an hackaton I joined last week. The good feeling only last for a night. Now? Blues all over as if it doesn't matter?

I feel weak, clueless, not motivated. I haven't been jogged for a week i guess. Well, it's raining this morning, but what stops me later on the day?

Am I healing, or remain.

This is my last year. Year to find more reason, to keep on living. Am I working on bad pirates again? I don't feel motivated.

This chemical imbalance, is sickening. The mood keep swinging like shit. How the fuck will I live past 30 then. Nothing is encouraging. I only wait for the next important date, as if it's the only thing that matters. How do i feel happy, when there's no reason to be happy for. Are you living? am I living? At least I want to feel something. Feel important again, feel relevant.

I am not going to die being invalid.

Pursuit Of Happyness

So, it's 10 sept. And i am now 29. Literally 1 year left before the eventual age.

There're too many attempts to make a personal blog before from scratch, like this last one http://eimihar.rosengate.com/. Probably taking too much efforts before I lose the motivation to finish one. Maybe i'll redirect the subdomain to this blog later. This blog hopefully should be the personal blog i'll use to log my journey to construct an ideal way to define my own happyness.

Happiness according to wikipedia, is a mental or emotional state of well-being which can be defined by, among others, positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.

Such state of mind doesn't seem last well to me, even for a day, because I know it well when i am in solitude, or when i haven't talked to anyone for days or weeks. That's what i am, or what i was for the last 6-8 years. I'll strive to change that, i'll strive to see or define more interesting things to look forward to in the future, like tomorrow, next month, next year.

There're voids, that I know will lurk around near the soul till the end of my time, but i will not lose my life to it.