Couldn't remember whom this one is written for. Hope you're okay there.
What you're going through mirrors something similar to what happened to me until recently. One of the most terrible ones was waking up from sleep to the thoughts about many ways to end myself, and from there i decided that nothing else can be worse than this. Nothing else can be worse than depression. And this thing keep going for awhile. Back many years ago, I wouldn't be able to tell, what these voids, nullity, emptiness were. Then there's this anxiety about some impending feeling that are about to occur if stayed this way. So I decided to quit my last job at the end of November 2017, and find a way to remedy these voids. It has been a while (almost 2 years), I did something else, moved to a new place, and I still couldn't figure how to deal with these dark, emptiness, and hopelessness.
I told myself, there's no way I can live up through next decades, as if there's nothing much interesting there. So, I keep on exploring ways to understand what this beast called depression really is. I expressed it openly now as if there's a beast within you wants to be known, so I implore it, what it wants the most. I talked to it as if I am talking to something that has been long part of me. I keep talking to it, I allow it to be valid, and now I am making terms and peace with it as if I am making peace with myself.
The first thing I figured out was attachments. The most comforting feeling I ever feel when I was depressed, was the feeling of safety, the feeling of belonging to somewhere. And with depression and terrible loneliness it is the thoughts about being in a place you don't really feel like you belong to. Like there's a saying that you can be surrounded by many people, yet still feel so alone. So, I detach myself from the attachments that make me feel so alone, and conditions that come along with it. One of these attachments was my relationship with my old friends by which mostly have moved on with life, got married, have children etc. I didn't severe the relationship, but reconsider the conditions that I had toward such relationship. I quit one of our whatsapp group, and even a simple act like that helped me a lot. I feel, relieved from something that has been holding be hostage for long. And I keep telling myself, in order to move on, these are the rules and terms that I need to abide, that I am no longer attached to such attachments that have been conditioning me for long. I opened a bit about it to my mother back a month or so ago, and I feel like some attachments are necessary and some just needed a reconsideration.
I do not know what your attachments are, maybe it's in the relationship, maybe in things, or maybe it is something of the past. I don't want to be cheesy, but I feel what you're going through, about the inability to do something about it. I just want you to know that you're not alone. :)
- Written at Friday, June 21, 2019
