Living up to expectation

I want to remind myself, that probably the only thing that made me resign my last job was, that I could no longer deliver, or live up to whatever expectation they needed. I could not find the feeling to be happy for things that i work for.

I was struggling to meet the expectation, from the person that have them the most, myself. Maybe it's fine to lose. But I am just afraid. That it'll be all over again.

I'll just have to keep reminding myself, that it's gonna be alright.

All blues

I don't know how am I doing now though. I scored top 10 for an hackaton I joined last week. The good feeling only last for a night. Now? Blues all over as if it doesn't matter?

I feel weak, clueless, not motivated. I haven't been jogged for a week i guess. Well, it's raining this morning, but what stops me later on the day?

Am I healing, or remain.

This is my last year. Year to find more reason, to keep on living. Am I working on bad pirates again? I don't feel motivated.

This chemical imbalance, is sickening. The mood keep swinging like shit. How the fuck will I live past 30 then. Nothing is encouraging. I only wait for the next important date, as if it's the only thing that matters. How do i feel happy, when there's no reason to be happy for. Are you living? am I living? At least I want to feel something. Feel important again, feel relevant.

I am not going to die being invalid.

Pursuit Of Happyness

So, it's 10 sept. And i am now 29. Literally 1 year left before the eventual age.

There're too many attempts to make a personal blog before from scratch, like this last one http://eimihar.rosengate.com/. Probably taking too much efforts before I lose the motivation to finish one. Maybe i'll redirect the subdomain to this blog later. This blog hopefully should be the personal blog i'll use to log my journey to construct an ideal way to define my own happyness.

Happiness according to wikipedia, is a mental or emotional state of well-being which can be defined by, among others, positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.

Such state of mind doesn't seem last well to me, even for a day, because I know it well when i am in solitude, or when i haven't talked to anyone for days or weeks. That's what i am, or what i was for the last 6-8 years. I'll strive to change that, i'll strive to see or define more interesting things to look forward to in the future, like tomorrow, next month, next year.

There're voids, that I know will lurk around near the soul till the end of my time, but i will not lose my life to it.