Limbo

I think about a lot of things during this hiatus. Mostly about making term on how to deal with the next decade, or whether or not there is life for me there. The thoughts that there’s really nothing for me to live for, for the next decade weren’t pleasant. Like when you’re done with your job, you’ll always think about quitting, for months, and the same with life. I had a lot of ‘that’ thoughts, that the worse one was when i wake up from slumber into a terrible thoughts about ways to end myself. But it’s getting better. I’ve came to the realization that part of all these messes were caused by the lack of attachment, or the need to anchor to what I used to believe, or the idea that there needs to be something to live for. It's a limbo, where you're stuck in an indecisive room.

Now I think i may be seeing a way out of this blankness. Something hits me the last two weeks ago, for a week. At first it was a physical numbness, or weakness that render your body's receptors to feel less than what it used to feel. Can't feel hungry, or pain much. It's like tiring, straining, so you don't feel anything more, but you can't feel that tired either. When I thought I was getting better the next two days, I had another extreme internal physical pain of something I've never ever felt before, I know it was my broken digestive system, but couldn't really tell which part of the body. And something came out of this. When you wished for less pain, do you wish for numbness, or lack of pleasure or feeling? I've made a realization that it wasn't god that causes pain or pleasure. It's just how the body works. And such version of god, or the need to anchor to what I used to believe in was starting to fade.

It couldn't confirms more about this agnostic faith.