Feeling normal

Normal is to me is like enjoying a constant stream of chilling music, 

Sometimes it's like staying in a dark and my mind is focused on enjoying something, because there's no distraction when you're in the dark.

Normal is like having a company, like family, and friends for the sake of enjoying being in company, although sometimes i can still feel normal being alone. 

Maybe normal is to me like having peace with myself. it's like not overthinking too much over your future, over what people think, what's good for your future what's not.

Depression is like monday blues, except that it's constant, or the moment that stream of chilling music end. I used to feel more like an impostor the more I compare myself with other, and I am dead wrong with that, and that's what I sometimes think when I see people coming out about their depression. I used to think like 'are they really depressed', and that's where I will be wrong at. Maybe we do it the wrong way to empathize, it's the reason why I can't tell why I am depressed when I feel normal. Depression is like a post-traumatic stream of empty experiences, a post-traumatic even about lost. and this lost can be of anything, even a minor part of life. It's like being stuck in yourself, contradicting. it's not hard to bring people to empathize, but it'll be dark to ask people for it.

I want to know more about depression. I want to find a way to beat this system. I want to know what to do when the music stop. Like making your brain chemical spike at your own command. Like making your own music in your head. Like turning it off with a single thought.

I feel like i am getting refined as I am closing to 30. This year will be my 30. I remember being so anxious about past 30. I don't think a lot about it when I feel normal now, in fact i don't feel that much worried about past 30 now. I used to think a lot about death. I think a lot imagining myself standing over an edge, and jumping it off, and it gives kind of calmness about the moment seconds before your eventual end, like it doesn't matter at all, nothing really matter. I teaches me more about life than the idea of ending life itself. I like to explore on this side of thought experiment. I feel like the more I embrace the idea of death, the more refined i feel about myself. Irony is, the thought about the end of all means, teaches us more about the means to live life differently. It's like reverse engineering the idea of death to discover more about life itself. I feel peace at it and this is what i want to feel everyday.

p/s : This post is actually an large excerpt of my reply to someone from befriender. Posting here since it expresses myself,