Will and realization

I think I might've figured what the core of my problem is. I have the lack of will to live. Lack of desires. Lack of interests. I've been jobless for 1.5 years already. Most people will think about the luxury I have, when it was a 4 years of saving, living a life much without desire, about going anywhere in life. I could've bought a new car, or make a big down payment for a house if I wanted to at that time. You would've envied such luxury, think about a lot of things you can do with such saving. You would've called me stupid when I refused a salary raise of almost 3k. They even once offered me an equity. Was it because of fear of responsibility? Or anxiety of failure? Or maybe I just fear so much of reliving the voids and the undesirable life. I mention this so I don't dismiss how amazing they're and the opportunities I had.

But you wouldn't understand. Neither do I. I do not understand why I do not want more, why am I not desiring much. I do not understand why I stopped functioning those days, and why I can't function well. And I just don't really care about so many things. It's only a matter of time before I stopped caring about myself. I realized this before I quit the last job I had, but I did not know what it was, still do not. Those days were full of craving, voids, very recursive and empty. Of course anxieties about some uncertain future play a big part in my decision, and I have no regret about anything. And I am still figuring this shit, alone. If only I don't feel alone in this. I only wish that you understand. But I won't demand that you do as I understand that we all have our own problems. Maybe it's just the world as it is. Broken as we grow.

I realized nothing I can change about myself except making and living with this feeling bearable. Often I wished that life ends sooner, funny that I even lacking the desire to end myself. But deep down I know I want the opposite. I am working on it. I just do not want to come back to the life I know, still broken. I don't want to die yet. I want to live. I am working on it. I am just here buying time, trying something different, navigating trains of thoughts, putting the pieces together, amending rules I can live with. But I am running out of time. You don't have to bear my burden, just understanding will do. And if you do understand, please say that you do.